Beans are not glamorous. Especially a circa 2009 25# bag of pinto beans from Costco. They were cheap and they never really go bad. Beans are a pretty good apocalypse food. (When researching methods for cooking I stumbled on some survivalist forums. Wow. Let’s all discuss the best way to live underground after the world ends.) While beans never really spoil, they get old and harder to cook. My Costco beans are very old and hard to cook. 10 hours in a crock pot will not soften them. Crunchy beans are gross. Crunchy beans when you aren’t crazy about eating beans in the first place is damn depressing.

Recipes that say beans cook in an hour or three are lying. It’s the same as when a recipe says you can caramelize onions in 10 minutes. There is science that explains why both of those are terrible lies, I have read about it. It involves proteins, sugars, and acidity.

I could have thrown them out. I am, as you might guess from this post about beans, Very Cheap. I can’t throw them out. I figured out how to cook them. Actually, I figured out how to soak them so they could cook before the actual apocalypse. Baking Soda. add about 2 tablespoons of baking soda to the soaking liquid the night before does some chemistry to the beans so they will actually soften.

Figuring out a recipe was much easier. As a kid, we used to eat at Chevy’s, a Cal-Tex Mex chain in the Bay Area. I liked that they had some machine that made tortillas right there in front of you and the pinto beans. They were soupy, salty, soft beans served in a food service white cup. I know they aren’t authentic but they were amazing. That flavor memory is my guide. I found the closest approximation by varying Home Sick Texan’s basic bean recipe.

This recipe isn’t even fancy enough for a picture.

Recipe:

1 pound picked over, rinsed pinto beans
2 T banking soda
3 (or more) cloves of garlic
1 yellow onion
1 (or two) poblano or pasilla pepper
a chunk (maybe 1/4 to 1/3 pound) salt pork–optional, I have made these beans without this and they tasted just fine
salt to taste

The night before you want to eat beans, place rinsed beans in a bowl, cover with water, stir in baking soda and let soak. (Since my beans are very old, I soaked them like this for about 8 hours then rinsed them and soaked them again in clean water another 12.) Rinse the beans, cover with about 7 or 8 cups of water. Whirl the garlic, onion, and peppers in a food processor–you want them chopped very finely. You can do this by hand too, just chop until you think hauling firewood up the stairs in the rain starts to sound like a good idea. Add all of this plus the salt pork to the pot and bring to a boil. Reduce to simmer and cook until the beans are soft. This may take 6 hours or more. It took 5 yesterday on my stove. Add salt at the end. Serve to your grateful family.

An aside: I am so stubborn that I will not buy any new beans at the store until I use all of these old pinto beans up. I am tired of pintos but I will not stuff more beans in my pantry until these are gone. I am down to my last 3 to 4 pounds. Then I can learn how to make other beans.